Guide to writing a jazz review

[Mike Schwartz]

SP columnist Cam Fuller
Photograph by: The StarPhoenix

So, you’ve been assigned to cover the jazz show and don’t know what you’re doing. Lucky for you, you’ve stumbled upon this brochure: So, You’ve Been Assigned to Cover the Jazz Show and Don’t Know What You’re Doing.

Whether you’re a reviewer who is so young you can’t refuse the assignment or so old that your only concern is “there better be porta-potties nearby,” the first thing to do is panic.

No, really, go ahead and panic. You’re entering shark-infested waters. In a crowd of 300 people, 299 know more about jazz than you do.

Everything you do should make you blend in with the crowd. Don’t get there too early or too late. If people are nodding their heads in time with the music, by all means nod your head in time with the music. If no one else is eating sardines, don’t eat sardines.

If you have to stand out, bring a small notebook and jot things down during the show. The people around you will think, “he totally picked up on that Coltrane reference!” when, in fact, you were writing “I thought there’d be popcorn.”

But the key to surviving a jazz review actually starts long before the show. Professionals call this “research.” Start by listening to all the jazz you can. This type of music is usually available on long-playing albums from your corner record store. (Sorry, it’s an old brochure.)

Jazz music can take many forms, from Glenn Miller’s keen swing to the post-bop-acid-reflux-jazz of a Berklee-educated prodigy wringing the neck of an alto saxophone in the manner of waterfowl being tortured.

The main thing you should learn in your research is that it will take four years of study to save you from sounding like an idiot. Unfortunately, the show is an hour from now. Take a deep breath. Let’s say you’ve been assigned to cover Marcellus Corea and the Jazz Entrepreneurs. They’ve won 72 Grammy Awards, they’ve been on the cover of Backbeat Magazine. And, most impressively, they’re from the city of New York.

Don’t be intimidated. They’re just people like you. Only smarter, richer and more talented. Your research has told you that they’ll likely start with their public radio hit Intenzity #2. It’s the one that goes “oodly-oodly-ooh/oodly-oodly-ooh.”

The band comes out. But they don’t play anything remotely like “oodly-oodly-ooh/oodly-oodly-ooh.” It sounds more like “bittlebittle-gow/bittlebittle-gow.”

Oh. My. Lord. You have no idea what that song is called. To make matters worse, 299 people around you are totally digging it! They clap rapturously at the first trumpet solo. Or was that a trombone? (Here’s a secret about people who clap rapturously at jazz solos. Yes, they are appreciating the music and, yes, they are rewarding the players. But, not very deep down, they’re also sending a message to everyone around them, and that message is this: “I get it! I totally get it! I am so smart! I am so smart!”)

And you? You clearly do not get it. “bittlebittle-gow/bittlebittle-gow” has now been going on for 18 minutes AND IT’S THE FIRST SONG!

A terrifying realization hits you: At this rate, Marcellus Corea and the Jazz Entrepreneurs will play only two more songs before you have to leave to write your review! And none of those songs will be Intenzity #2 because they’re saving it for the encore! In short, you have absolutely nothing to say about this band!

This time, don’t panic. All you need are a few descriptive phrases from our Reviewer Comment Generator.

Directions: Take one adverb. Season with an adjective. Fold in a noun. For best results, serve before deadline.

Adverbs: Richly, masterfully, dizzyingly.

Adjectives: Evocative, multifarious, kaleidoscopic.

Nouns: Timbres, meanderings, honking.

Example A: “Harry Krall Jr., sitting at a huge wooden box and pressing several white and black rectangles with his fingers, impressed with his RICHLY EVOCATIVE MEANDERINGS last night at the Bird Club.”

Example B: “Blowing into an J-shaped yellow metal thing covered in hinged trap doors, Coleman Eastwood had the crowd eating out of his hand last night at Club Bird with his MASTERFULLY KALEIDOSCOPIC HONKING.”

Example C: “Hailing from the City of New York, The Sonny Davis Exponents delivered exactly the kind of DIZZYINGLY MULTIFARIOUS TIMBRES last night at The Club that true fans like me have come to expect from this Grammy-winning septet.”

Now, to wrap it all up. Mention something about the crowd (“Many in the crowd clapped when one guy would start playing louder than anyone else”). Complain a bit about the venue (“Too bad there was no popcorn”). And end on a positive note (“It was a show like none I had seen before”). Congratulations, you are now a jazz reviewer. Now, on to opera!

http://www.thestarphoenix.com/entertain ... story.html

[bluenoter]

This thread has gotten a lot of Views, but for those who haven't read it yet, #1 is a hoot!


"Fine print":

SP columnist Cam Fuller
Photograph by: The [Saskatoon] StarPhoenix . . .

http://www.thestarphoenix.com/entertain ... story.html

That link no longer works and the photo is nowhere to be found (by me), but here's a link that currently works:

Make jazz reviewing one of your favourite things

[walto]

Food (or food preparation) and animal (insect, bird, wooly mammoth, whatever) references are fun and take up space too.

When I wrote reviews for Cadence, I used to fight with Bob Rusch a lot:

"Please don't send me that kind of stuff, Bob. I don't know the first fucking thing about mainstream jazz. I mean, I can't even tell if the playing is original or derivative. I don't know the American Songbook or whatever it's called. And I usually find blues annoying."

"Too bad."

But you can always work in food.

[steve(thelil)]

Using what I've learned above, here's my capsule review of the Lincoln Center Jazz Ensemble's performance in the new Ellington themed Broadway Show "After Midnight" (a musical revue) :

Timbremental swinging! The audience roared like a Wooly Mammoth.

[walto]

Not bad, but I'd make it "...like a wooly mammoth surveying a murder of crows" (or maybe "a burglary of endives").